


The Night Out

by BookshopLaura



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2017-02-06
Packaged: 2018-07-14 12:33:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7171376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BookshopLaura/pseuds/BookshopLaura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So I'm not too happy with this ending, but I've been trying to work out where its going for so long I can't seem to focus in on it. So any constructive feedback is very much appreciated. Any ooc or rushed etc moments.</p>
        </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It’s the look in Raphael’s eyes that Simon misses the most. Ever since Simon's return to Dumort Raphael has barely looked in his direction, made eye contact only a couple of times. And both of them cut Simon's heart like a knife. So much hate where once he had seen concern, maybe even a begrudging fondness. He tries everything in his power to try to improve things. Goes out of his way to do as he's told. But it doesn't seem to help. Raphael just goes on ignoring him.   
His room is moved to as far from Raphael's suite as is physically possible. He's assigned Stan as a trainer, but his training is neglected if Raphael deigns that Stan has more important things to do. And really the only attention that is paid to Simon is making sure that he doesn't take more blood than he needs.   
And he's torn. He doesn't know what's the best thing to do. Once when spends the entire night at the hotel, he's in the main hall when Raphael walks through for the third time.

"Don't you have somewhere better to be, traitor!" he hisses, and storms off. Simon blinks away the upset, and goes to his room for the rest of the night. 

But then when he comes in from spending most of the night with Clary and the shadow hunters he is meet with a vicious looking Raphael, glaring at him, nose wrinkling in anger. 

"Didn't take you long to run back to them, did it?" and then he disappears before Simon can say anything. 

Simon finds himself being questioned over the blood he's drinking, even when really he's not drinking as much as he should, and he knows that. In fairness it's not Raphael whose questioning him, but Raphael must have noticed, and he doesn't do anything about, which hurts more.  
When it gets too much, he sits in his tiny new room, with wooden coffin he hates and calls Clary. 

"Hey Simon!"

"Hey Clary... are you free? I... I need to speak..."

"Is this urgent, cos we've got a situation here."

"Oh... oh okay. No... no it's fine." 

"Thanks Simon! I'll call you tomorrow!" 

But two days later she hasn't called. She's texted, but just a short note to say they have a lead on Jace. Or a lead on a lead. She doesn't ask about Simon. He leaves it. She has more important things, obviously. But he's getting desperate. And a little hungry. 

So he builds up his courage, and decides to talk to Raphael. He sees Raphael walking through the Hotel entrance one day and he walks towards him.

"Raphael, can I talk to you?" 

"No" snaps Raphael, not looking on him, and keeps on walking. 

But Simon can't take this, can't live like this. So he jumps forwards, grabbing Raphael's arm. But Raphael hisses and in an instant he has Simon pinned against the nearest wall. His fangs are barred and his eyes furious. 

"You will not touch me again, traitor, or I will rip your throat out. Do you understand?" 

Simon just about manages to stutter out a yes. Then Raphael lets go, letting Simon slide down the wall, and walks away. Simon lays slumped against the wall, watching him walk away, trying not to cry. Trying not to breath, because he doesn't have to. But he still does.

He races back to his rooms as fast as he can, pulling his mobile up and dials Clary. It rings and rings. Then she hangs up. For a long moment he just stares into space. Then he bites into his own arm and starts drinking. It leaves him dizzy and feeling sick, but at least he doesn't feel hungry. Then he lays his head back against the door he's sat against and starts thinking. 

Clary calls him back two days later. She's really sorry, things have just been really busy, but she's planning an evening out to take her minds off of things, what does Simon think? Yeah, okay. He doesn't really want to, but it will work for his plan. Because last night hadn't worked out so well. Who knew doing nothing could be so difficult. 

They go out to a downworlder bar, and Simon makes sure to drink a lot. But he has a plan, and around 3am when the shadow hunters are heading home, he steals a load of bottles from the bar when they're not looking and heads to the nearest park. He's not drunk enough yet, he knows that. And the cool of the night air is only sobering him up. So he sits down and starts drinking the bottles of blood mixed with vodka he'd stolen, one straight after another until his stomach is so full he feels sick, and his vision can’t seem to stay focussed. 

He wakes up on the big gold sofa in the hall of Dumort. He has a blanket drapped over him. His head feels like he's someone's taken a baseball bat to it. And that someone was really good at baseball. 

"Argh!" he groans, bringing his hands to cover his face. 

"So, you're awake." says a voice. Raphael's voice. He sounds angry.

"What am I doing here?" he asks, taking breaths he doesn't need. 

"Forgive me, but I wasn't going to bother carrying your worthless hide any further than I had to." says Raphael, and Simon can't even look at him to see the kind of disappointed, disgusted look he's getting from Raphael. But he sits up, burying the heel of his palm into his eyes.

"You're pathetic, you know that! Your little shadowhunter said you tried to empty the bar, and was worried about you. I found you sprawled on a bench like a tramp. You were almost fried because you decided your time was better spent on a piss up with your ‘real’ friends than here!" Raphael's voice is sharp and brutal. 

"I know" says Simon, but he can feel the tears beginning to build.

"Do you? Do you know how stupid, how irresponsible you were?"

"Yes" says Simon taking one hand away from his face as he's hunched over, and rubbing one eye furiously as if it'll drive the tears back in. 

"Oh, you knew? You knew, and you thought it would be a great idea to drink so much you passed out just in time for the sunrise?" spits Raphael at him sarcastically. For a moment Simon can't answer him. He can feel his own chin wrinkle, his forehead draw together as he fights the lump in his throat.

"I... I couldn't do it sober." he says.


	2. Chapter 2

"What?" demands Raphael angrily.

"I said I couldn't do it when I was sober. I tried. But I got scared." And that's just embarrassing to admit, so Simon brings up his other hand to hide his face again. But Raphael's not saying anything. For a moment Simon even thinks he hears breathing, but then there's silence.

"You... you mean... You did, actually, mean to... to burn up." Simon nods his head and he hears the sob escape him before he realises. He brings his knees up, bring his arms up to wrap around them, sobbing into them. He wants to be small, he doesn't want to exist. His head hurt already, but now that's joined by the loud rushing, pounding like water through his head. 

He feels like he sits there forever, the pain in his head, the pain in his heart, the all too quietness of the room. Then he feels a hand on his shoulder. It's tentative, unsure.  
"Simon? Simon, do you really feel like this?" Simon nods vigorously, letting out another sob. Again there is silence, except the creak as Raphael sits down on the coffee table in front of Simon.

"Give me your phone." says Raphael.

"Why?"

"I need to call your sh... Clary. You need to go back to the institute, you can't stay here." Simon didn't think his heart could shatter any more, but clearly he was wrong.

"You're throwing me out." he says, and he's surprised by how unemotional the voice sounds, as he hands Raphael his phone. 

"Dios! I'm not throwing you out. But you need to be with friends. People who can take care of you."

'But I want you, I want you to care. I want you to do something' thinks Simon, but he doesn't say it. Because Raphael doesn't care. And never will again. And now his meltdown is too much for Raphael to be bothered with, so Simon’s being thrown back to Clary, whose forgotten he exists. 

'Hey Simon' he hears Clary's voice faintly as Raphael call her.

"Shadowhunter, it's Raphael. You need to come to DuMort. Come with Bane, and no one else." he says.

'What? What's going on? What's happened to Simon? What have you done?' she's louder, angrier. 

"He's f... he's not hurt, he's... you just need to come here now" he says, and hangs up the phone. He hands in back to Simon by pushing it into the gap where Simon's stomach is. Then he just sits there, next to Simon, waiting. 

"I didn't realise you were this upset." he says after what seems like hours, but is probably only minutes. Simon's crying has steadied down to laboured breathing, which he's fighting against. 

"What... what is it that... that pushed you..."

"Why do you care? You hate me now! You can't even look at me!" snaps Simon looking up. Raphael is looking at him now though. But this look is different. There's still a sharpness to it, but there's also a. Simon's not sure, but maybe a fear. 

"I'm looking at you now, tr..."

"And I'm traitor! Always Traitor! Never Simon or Fledgling, or Baby. Even idiot. Always traitor! And you don't talk to me, and I miss that, I miss you! And I miss the Hotel feeling like home, and my own room and people talking to me. I miss training with you, I miss you mocking me. I miss you looking at me like you used to! And whatever I do, I can't make it better. I tried everything, but it doesn't get any better!"

"You've been back a month. You can hardly expect absolution so quickly, tra..." This time Raphael cuts himself off at the way Simon looks like the name was a punch in the stomach. Simon buries the heel of his palms into his eyes again so much it hurts. 

"But I'm never going to have it, am I? What we had, I ruined it." 

"I don't trust easily. And you betrayed that trust. You can’t undo that." Simon wonders if there's any point in which the heartache will be so much that Raphael's words cannot make it any worse, but despite feeling like his world has collapsed, he's not at that point. He's trying to think of how to beg, when a portal opens, admitting Clary, Izzy, Alec and Magnus. Raphael stands up, and Simon can feel his anger. 

"What part of you and the warlock didn't you understand?" demands Raphael. But Clary isn't listening and has run over to Simon.

"Simon? Simon, are you okay? What did he do to you?" she says softly. 

"I saved him" spits Raphael. "He tried to kill himself and I..." But Simon's had enough. He's up and super speeding towards the front door of the hotel, which is probably locked, but he'll give it a go. He finds himself slammed against the door before he has a chance to try to open it. Raphael has his arm bared across Simon's chest, pinning him to the wall. 

"What are you doing?" he demands, and his eyes are wide and searching Simon's. Clary's running over, and she looks scared too. Magnus has a hand raised, ready to do something, but Simon's not paying attention to anyone but Raphael. 

"Why won't you just let me die!" he shouts at Raphael. "You hate me so much, I can't stand it! Just let me die!" Raphael's eyes widen, and his nostrils flare. 

"Raphael, my friend, I think we should have a talk." says Magnus with a calmness which sounds forced. 

"I'm not letting him go, he might do something stupid!" says Raphael, but his eyes haven't broken contact with Simon's. And his grip on Simon is like iron. 

"He can't do much. I'm a warlock, he won't be able to get through that door, or any other in the Hotel until I say so. So let him go, and lets go talk."


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as Magnus closes the door behind Raphael, Raphael is fidgeting.

"He should go back to the institute with her."

"He won't be safe there, and you know it. Shadowhunters have little sympathy for downworlders. Sending a suicidal vampire amongst them will mean only one thing. He'll try again, and when biscuit's not watching, they'll let him." says Magnus, and Raphael knows he's right. 

"He can't stay here." says Raphael sternly.

"Why not?" asks Magnus, walking around so that Raphael has to meet his eyes. 

"Because he's a traitor, and a..." Raphael trails off under Magnus' scrutiny.

"He betrayed you, but you took him back. Because part of you wants to forgive him."

"I can't forgive him! I can't look weak. I can't let him br..." Raphael trails off again, breaking eye contact with Magnus, who just keeps watching him keenly. 

"Can't let him break your heart again, old friend? There's always risks in love..." Raphael turns to glare at him.

"Just because you're blissfully in love with your shadowhunter pet doesn't mean the rest of us are meant to have a happily ever after." he spits. Magnus pulls back looking offended. His eyes blinking just slightly, his lips a tight line. He holds Raphael's gaze until Raphael drops his head. It takes a strong man to out stare Raphael Santiago, but Magnus has always been that man. 

"Simon... Simon needs to earn back his place. I can't just accept him back because he's said sorry and got a slap on the wrist." says Raphael, arms open wide. Magnus must see that.

"And how long are we talking here? A year? Two? A decade? A century? Because from what Biscuit says he's been trying to earn back your trust, but you're not giving him any kind of hope." says Magnus, arms folded, eyes scrutinising Raphael.

"He must earn his place with us again, and that's the end of it!" says Raphael, dropping his hands so they fist by his side in anger.

"Fine, but if he's like this much longer, the only place he's going to earn here is a pot on the mantle piece. Now is that truly what you want?" says Magnus, and turns around, walking out of the door before Raphael can say another word.

Raphael quickly follows him out of the room and back down to the hall where Simon is sat huddled up like a child on the sofa. Clary is wrapped around him, leaning her head against his shoulder, rubbing his back with her right hand, gripping his sleeve with her left. Izzy is sat by them on the couch, occassionally rubbing his arm. 

"Biscuit, I'm going to leave. Alexander, if you could join me, I don't want the Clan to be intimidated by shadowhunter presence, but I think Clary and Simon would benefit from your sister's company. The wards I've put on the doors should wear off in about 12 hours. One of you give me a call when you're ready to return to the institute." says Magnus, turning around and summoning a portal. Alec glances at Raphael, there's a deep distrust in his eyes, but he turns and follows Magnus all the same. 

Once the portal's disappeared, Raphael stands there awkwardly as the girls comfort Simon, who's still sniffing. He can't seem to take his eyes away from Simon. What if he does something, tries something again. He can't try and fry himself now, but there are various things around the room he could try and stake himself with. 

"We'll stay with him, it's fine." says Clary, and Raphael's gaze darts to see she's watching him. Watching as he looks around the room to try and not look at Simon. 

"It's fine." he says walking over to the counter where he can pour himself a glass of blood, and pick up a book. He settles himself in the seat by the sofa, and flips it open.

"Besides, I'm not leaving him with you two alone. We know what happened last time." he bites. But he can hear the way that Simon's ragged breathing increases in that. Can see the way Clary flinches a little at the way Simon stiffens beneath her. Izzy turns to glare at him.

"Really helpful" she snaps, reaching an hand forward to stroke Simon's leg comfortingly. Raphael turns to his book, trying not to look guilty in front of two shadowhunters.

"Hey. Hey Simon. It's okay." says Clary soothingly. 

"No, it isn't! I messed up!" says Simon.

"You did what you thought was right! You did it for me! For my mom! I know how much she means to you! She's been there for you a lot. We could call her now if you want? Would that help?" says Clary comfortingly. 

"No." Says Simon, but it's long and drawn out.

"I know I meant to help, but I screwed up! I saved Jocelyn, but now the Clan hates me. Raphael hates me!" says Simon, and Raphael looks over, but Simon doesn't look up. The girls do, for a moment.

"I... I don't hate you." he says

"I'm angry with you, for what you did, that's not the same." 

"You threatened to rip out my throat if I touched you!" says Simon, finally looking up, and both girls turn to glare at him this time. 

"You got too close." he says, pretending to try and read his book again, but his grip on the book is white knuckle.

"You never cared how close I got before." says Simon.

"I meant before, idiot! You got too close before!" he says slamming the book down on the table beside him.

"I'm too tired for this. I'm going to bed. When I wake I expect you two gone, and you in one piece, do you understand!" he says, pointing at them accusingly. Simon frowns a little nervously and nods, but the girls are staring at him wide-eyed and he stalks from the room trying to hide the fact that he's all but running from them.


	4. Chapter 4

Raphael heard the door slam behind him, and stops. He's breathing. He doesn't need to breathe, he's a vampire, he needs to regain control of himself. 

"Oh my God" he hears Clary say through the closed door, and he turns around to face it, stilling his breathing. 

"What?" comes Simon's high pitched question, slightly muffled. 

"Oh my God" says Isabelle. Raphael steps forward, leaning gently to press his ear against the door.

"What?!" says Simon, clearly more annoyed than before. 

"I've got to message Magnus" says Clary, with a voice of someone with an incredibly juicy bit of gossip, and Raphael's heart sinks. 

"What?" repeats Simon.

"Clary, Magnus HAS to know that already. He knows Raphael too well." reasons Isabelle. 

"Will you two tell me what's going on?" demands Simon more loudly. 

"Simon, seriously? Didn't you hear what he said?" says Clary obviously.

"He basically admitted he was in love with you... you know before..."

"Don't be ridiculous!" spits Simon, and Raphael feels himself breath in to hear Simon so disgusted by the idea of... of them. He turns his head and considers walking away. 

"He hates me! He thinks I'm pathetic! He said that!" but now there's an edge to Simon's voice, a panic which has Raphael's hand hovering over the door handle. 

"But Simon, don't you see," starts Isabelle. "He's upset because you chose us. Over him." 

"That's... that's stupid" says Simon. 

"Why?" asks Isabelle, and there's a long pause, which leaves Raphael's hand itchy over the door handle. 

"Because it is. He's all suave and detached, some big scary vampire boss, and I'm just... Simon. I'm a terrible vampire, an embarrassment to vampires." says Simon, and it's sad, so sad, but at least it doesn't sound panicked any more. 

"Would you... would you like him... to like you?" asks Clary slowly.

"I don't know." says Simon, and it's almost flippant and suddenly Raphael can't listen any more, because he can't bear the thought of hearing Simon actually saying he didn't care for him, so frowning he finally turns around and heads to his room. He spends the rest of the night trying not to think about the rest of their conversation. 

\---

He wakes just as the sun is setting, and heads down to the collect to glasses of blood before going to rejoin Simon and the shadowhunters. He pauses at the door. What if Simon has... done something, what if the shadowhunters had left. No, Raphael chides himself and pushes the door open. Simon is curled up against Clary, both fast asleep on the sofa, and Isabelle is asleep on the sofa next to it, hunched over the arm. But Raphael doesn't notice her, just stands staring at the figures of Simon & Clary. 

"They're both fully dressed, if you were worried". says Isabelle, glancing up drearily. 

"Why are you asleep anyway?" asks Raphael, and he can hear the venom in his own voice. 

"Because it was a very long day" says Isabelle, and as he turns to look at her he can see how tired she looks. 

"How... how is he?" he asks, trying to make is sound as flippant as possible. 

"Still pretty shaken up. I'd like him to come back with us, really, but I know that's not possible. Maybe I should ask Magnus to take him in for a while. I'm sure he can find a spare room somewhere." she says leaning her head on her hand. 

"He always has one if it's needed. It's funny he didn't suggest that yesterday." says Raphael looking at Simon closely, frowning a little. 

"I have an idea..." says Isabelle, and Raphael turns to glare at her. She's smiling, she's enjoying this. But although he hates to admit it, there's no venom in her smile.

"You're cute when you're worried." she says. 

"I'm not..." but he gives up, turning away and placing the glasses down on the table. At the slight clink of glass on glass, Simon's eyes open. For a moment he blinks at Raphael, his face totally relaxed and Raphael feels the sudden urge to reach out and brush Simon's fringe away from his forehead. But then Simon's eyes are focusing on Raphael, and his brow is furrowing, and there's hurt in his eyes. He looks away from Raphael, and moves to sit up, so Raphael lets go of the glass he's just set down. 

"I brought you breakfast, baby." he says quietly, and as soon as the word is out of his mouth, he can feel the embarrassment in his cheeks. He turns around completely, but that only means he meets Isabelle's eyes, and whilst she's not quite smiling, her eyes are twinkling meaningfully. She knows. He bares his teeth at her silently, but that only seems to amuse her more. 

"Baby?!" it's Clary's incredulous voice which has Raphael wincing, closing his eyes in dread. 

"It's... it's cos I'm a baby, a fledgling." says Simon, but his voice is uncertain. But uncertain of what? Of what Raphael's meant by baby, or the fact that Raphael's used it at all, rather than traitor. 

"Yeah, but. 'Nobody puts Baby in the corner' right? That's so..." Clary starts. 

"This isn't Dirty Dancing, Shadowhunter!" snarls Raphael, turning to pin Clary with a glare.

"Wait, you've seen Dirty Dancing..." starts Simon, staring at him. 

"There's not need to look so shocked. Just because I don't read those stupid comics you read, doesn't mean I don't see the occasional movie." cuts in Raphael, turning to Simon. 

"But... you've seen Dirty Dancing... and you still call me Baby?" says Simon, eyebrows raised.


	5. Chapter 5

"It's just a nickname, traitor. And it wasn't just me using it. So there's no need to blush about it" spits Raphael, which has Isabelle glaring at him again. Simon looks away, and he looks sad. Raphael hates that look on him, even if he's still angry.

"I think it's time your shadowhunter friends went home, unless they're planning to move in permanently." says Raphael.

"I'm not sure that's a good idea." says Clary, pulling Simon closer.

"No, he's right. We could make the rest of the clan edgy. Besides, I think these two need to have a private chat." says Isabelle, pulling herself up with some effort. She steps closer to Raphael.

"Be nice." she says pointing her finger at him. Then she and Clary, who doesn't look convinced, are walking out of the hotel, into the night. Raphael watches them go. Then he turns to look at Simon, who hasn't moved except to bury his head in his arms again. He takes a breath he doesn't need, then goes and sits next to him.

"Are you going to try anything stupid again?" he asks, facing Simon. Simon shakes his head, not looking up.

"Will you promise me? Will you swear to me you won't do anything to harm yourself?" There's a slight nod of the head.

"Baby, I need to hear it. I need to hear you say it." Simon glances up, eyes puffy, eyebrows drawn together. And as he hold's Raphael's look, he looks so hopeless so sad.

"I promise" he manages to say, with no enthusiasm. And for a moment Raphael wants to hug him, then thinks, he shouldn't because Simon doesn't deserve it. Then sees Simon drop his head again, and can't help himself. He knock's Simon's knees out from under his hands, then pulls Simon into a hug, Simon's head resting on his shoulder. Raphael wraps an arm around Simon's shoulders, another coming up to rest on Simon's head. For a moment Simon seems to freeze, not reacting. Then he's bringing a hand to cling to the material of Raphael's jacket, the other supporting him on the sofa by Raphael's side.

He know's it's ridiculous, but Raphael thinks he can feel tears in his eyes.

"I... I'm sorry, baby." he says, just over a whisper, basically into Simon's ear.

"Would... would you have missed me?" chokes Simon into Raphael's shirt. And Raphael can't answer, but his grip on Simon tightens, and he lets his own head fall on Simon's shoulder. And he's breathing, still. Deep heavy breaths.

"Would you?" repeats Simon.

"Don't! Don't!" Raphael pulls away just enough to place his hands around Simon's face and bring it up to meet his own, resting their foreheads against each other.

"I would have hated myself! I never... would have forgiven myself! You're an idiot sometimes but..." he can feel his heart in his throat even if it's not beating.

"But?" asks Simon, and now both his hands are fisting in Raphael's jacket.

"but... but I love you." and now he can feel actual tears run down his face, which is ridiculous. Simon pulls away from him, looking confused.

"You can't! You... you hate me! You can barely look at me." And now Simon's crying again.

"I hated that you chose them. I hated that you never noticed now much I did for you. I hated how could could never love me... like I love you. But I never hated you. I was angry, and I let it control me. It's... it's all I know. It's how I've survived, how we've survived..." He's not looking at Simon any more. He expected him to get up and walk out. It's the worst possible time to tell someone you love them in all history.

"You're an ass, do you know that." says Simon, flatly.

"Yes." he says.

"And I... I should probably leave, because that was some dick moves you pulled there." And it's killing Raphael, but at least Simon sounds more like himself.

"If... if that's what you want. I'm sure Magnus can..." Raphael starts looking up, but he's cut off by Simon suddenly kissing him. Which is a little unexpected to say the least. It's just a press of lips, and then Simon is pulling back.

"Good thing I'm a patient boyfriend." says Simon,

"Baby? You mean? You?"

"I tried to fry myself because you wouldn't forgive me, wasn't that a little bit of a clue?" asks Simon, but there's a sparkle back in his eyes.

"Yes... well, don't you dare try it again, I'm convinced!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm not too happy with this ending, but I've been trying to work out where its going for so long I can't seem to focus in on it. So any constructive feedback is very much appreciated. Any ooc or rushed etc moments.

**Author's Note:**

> So I've been working on this because I've been going through some stuff that's given me anxiety attacks and feelings of overwhelming dread and despair and hopelessness.
> 
> At least at the beginning this isn't supposed to be a healthy relationship, and Simon's state of mind is not good. As someone whose been going through similar mind sets for very different reasons, if you EVER feel like this, for whatever reason, speak to someone, anyone. Chat to me on a comment, seriously. Go see a doctor, a nurse, a friend, a teacher you can trust. Please. Don't think you're being a pain, and don't ignore it. People like being there for other people. And even if people are angry, people act out of hurt. That doesn't mean that's all they feel.


End file.
